The secret to moving on after a breakup is…

That, really.

To never let go of hope of living a better life without that person, and to constantly and consistently take concrete steps to getting there.

I went through a phase of wanting to cling on to the relationship instead, and that got me nowhere but down.

1. Radio Silence
Because we spent a good one fifth of our lifetime together, I’d wanted to at least maintain a friendship with Q, but that really didn’t help. The drastic change from talking as lovers to talking as friends was strange and painful, so we decided we had to stop. I exited all our group conversations, and consciously tried not to message him. That was step one to moving on.

2. Pad yourself with friends
And it’s important to have the right ones around. The wrong ones are the curious ones: the ones that just want to find out what went wrong, and once they get their answer they buzz off. The right friends know when to give you your space and know when to engage you. They know what to do to build you up, and genuinely want to do so. The right ones don’t judge when you do silly things, and the best ones do the stupid with you, but keep a watchful eye over you at the same time.

3. Learn to be alone
Once your friends have brought you to a less dependent state, it’s time to take off the trainer wheels. Not that you ditch them entirely; you just free them from dealing with your constant dipping to down-and-outs. Trivial as it sounds, I started watching more tv series, more movies, reading more; so in essence I wasn’t quite alone with my thoughts, but I was getting used to being physically alone.

4. Meet more people
It also helped meeting new people. Starting a biz gave me plenty of excuses to do this. There’s something in meeting a stranger and learning all about him or her; his or her life and personality and ethos. Eventually, you end the conversation with that feeling of warmth when you’ve made a new friend and learnt something from him or her. I guess it’s a little like immersing yourself in new experiences. Meeting new people reminded me that there’s so much more in the world out there. (Of course, it’s also in meeting the right people.)

5. Do what you want to do
You’re free now. You don’t have to constantly be responsible for someone else’s feelings anymore, so think of what you’ve always wanted to do and find out how you can start doing it. It could be to take that epic trip, or to learn something new, to exercise more. In my case, it was to spend more time creating and making work that was meaningful to me, thus the move to start my own business. It’s also given me the freedom to learn when I want, what I want to, network more and broaden my horizons. As terrible as it sounds, it feels good to be a little more selfish.

I’m still working at getting my life back together, but it does feel like I’m getting there. I’m definitely happier now, and I’ve realized that I’m blessed to be surrounded by the love of beautiful and inspiring people. Can’t say for sure if I’ve entirely moved on, but at least I’m moving in the right direction.

In summary…if ever anyone is reading this during a fresh breakup: don’t cling on to the wrong person. I know how shitty and painful it feels when wounds are fresh, but cling on to the hope of a better life and a better you, and sooner or later you’ll get there.

Chin up!!

xx

3 Comments

  1. Love you. 🙂 <3

  2. Honestly didn’t know when you got attached, much less that you’ve broken up until I learnt through social media… that’s kinda shitty but I’ve always cared for u stooff! Hugs.

    I know this post didnt come easy and I’m in no position to give any solid advice or whatever but just know that there’s me out here who’ll give be willing to lend a listening ear, or a shoulder or just some company okay?
    It’ll get better because yes, there is so much more ahead that life has in store for you!

  3. You always have us 🙂 and I’m only a Facebook message / SMS away!

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